The best scuba diving jokes

We all know, divers are a funny bunch. Yes, even grumpy old GUE instructors…
Do you like to laugh? We sure do!

Therefore, I collected the best scuba diving jokes and puns for you. Have a laugh, tell them to your dive buddies, friends, and family and make sure to share them! 🙂

Enjoy!

The best scuba diving jokes

These are the best scuba diving jokes that we have heard so far.

The boat dive

Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat in the middle of the ocean.

There is an SSI instructor, an IAC instructor, and a PADI instructor. Everything is going fine until the boat springs a leak and starts to sink.

The SSI instructor says to her students, “Okay, we’re in the middle of the ocean, so we might as well do our deep dive.“

The IAC instructor says to his students, “Okay, we might as well do our navigation dive, so let’s get our compasses out and swim towards shore.“

Finally, the PADI instructor puts on a big smile and says to his students, “Okay everyone, for $25 you guys can do a wreck dive!“

Son: Dad, when I grow up I wanna be a diver!
Dad: Good. No one has ever done both.

You don’t have to outswim the shark, you just have to outswim your buddy.

Why Do Scuba Divers Fall Backwards Out of a Boat? – Because otherwise, they’d fall into the boat!

SCUBA – “Some come up barely alive”.

How do you know that you might be a redneck?
If a cow steps on you while you are diving at your favorite site.

What do you need to give a whale a circumcision? – FOUR skin divers.

The blonde mermaid

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for 10 years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the man and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “10 years!” he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve, and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey?” He replies, “10 years!” She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?” And the man cries out, “My God! Don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there, too!“

When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving, he gives the water the bends.

I think my dive buddy wife wants a divorce. I gave the out of air signal, she handed me her snorkel.

NASA – Not another scuba accidents
Jeff Dwoskin

Eating sushi is the fat man’s scuba diving.
Mike Vecchione

Trump supporters in Thailand are mad that those kids in that cave are getting free scuba lessons on the government dime.

Two spearfishers

Two divers go spearfishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.

The first one says, “I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish.”

The other answers, “Yes, I made an ‘X’ on the side of the boat to mark the spot.”

“You idiot!” cries the first, “How do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow?”

Did you realize that Boyle’s law is actually an acronym? Breath Or Your Lungs Explode Stupid!

What type of decompression sickness do wealthy SCUBA divers get? – Mercedes Bends.

Why don’t skeletons tech dive? – They don’t have the guts!

A PADI Instructor, an IAC Instructor, and an SSI Instructor walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”

Get it? 😜

Why don’t scuba divers play hide and seek with sharks? – The shark always wins!

Why don’t scuba divers eat bananas? – They can come out the other end too fast!

What is black and yellow, has two fins, and smells like fresh fish? – The best-darned swimmer in town – an octopus.

What scuba gear do you need to become a human battery? – A scuba mask and snorkel.

How deep can scuba divers go before they hit the water? – Only 16 inches (40cm)!

What’s it like being married to a scuba diver? – You want to marry them when they’re down there but you don’t want to live with them up there on land.

Why do scuba divers keep getting air bubbles in their beer? – They can’t hold their lager!

A cross fitter, an atheist, and a scuba instructor walk into a bar. – I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.

The three cave divers

Three cave divers heard rumors about a spectacular cave in the desert of a foreign land. Rumor had it that the cave was highly decorated, full of crystal clear water at a constant 25°C (80 F), deep enough to make it challenging but not so deep to require extended decompression.

It was also rumored that the cave went on for miles and miles under the desert with complex and challenging passages, jumps, loops, switchbacks, and numerous sinks and domes.

The cave was known as the “Desert’s Jewel”, its location lost in the deep mysteries of ancient scripture. After years of searching, following every rumor, innuendo, and lead, the three divers found the Desert’s Jewel and traveled to the location to dive it.

Lo and behold it was everything they had heard and more. After an extended 12-hour dive laying line through the virgin passages, the three divers surfaced to a tribe of natives. Their chieftain stepped forward and declared that they were all under arrest for desecrating their sacred cave.

At the tribe’s town, the tribal court promptly sentenced the three divers to death. The next morning, they were brought out to the place of public execution. There they saw the instrument of their demise, an old French guillotine from the colonial days when France had much influence in that part of the world.

The first diver came out and was allowed a minute to make her peace. Because she was certified through the NSS-CDS, she briefly chanted their credo as the blade was released to begin its fatal journey to the bottom of the Guillotine.

Inches from the NSS-CDS diver’s neck, the blade became jammed in track and came to a dead stop. “The gods be praised”, shouted the high priest responsible for carrying out the execution. “It is their will that you be spared! Go in peace.”.

The second diver was brought forth to meet his maker. Moments before the mighty blade finished the job, he was heard to mumble the NACD credo, as that was the agency that certified him. Millimeters from his neck, the blade jammed and his life was also spared.

“It is the gods’ will that you too shall be spared, go in peace and violate our sacred places no more!”, said the high priest in awe.

The third diver, certified by GUE, didn’t wait to be brought out when he heard what had happened to his buddies. He straightened up, marched out, and in a commanding voice turned to his executioners and said “Now I’m gonna show you strokes what you’re doing wrong”.

Dirty diving joke

(Only read if you are not offended by strong language 😉)

Once upon a time, two nerds went for their Open Water course. Their instructor a fellow named Jack took them for the check dives. When the skills were over and the two fellows came out they realized that Jack, the instructor was missing.

They went down again looking for Jack but could not find him. Finally, an inquiry was launched and the coast guards officers began to question them about what happened.

“Can you describe your instructor?” The investigating officer asked.
“Jack was wearing a black mask.” One of them responded.

“Can you be more specific? Scuba masks tend to be black most of the time.” The investigating officer said.

They thought for a while and then the second student said “He wore a black wetsuit!”

The investigating officer said, “On any dive boat a black wetsuit is the most common one. Can you be more specific? Did Jack have blonde hair? Was he green-eyed? You guys have to tell me something unique about him that does not apply to everyday Joe on a dive boat.”

Now both the students thought for a very long time and then one of them said, “Jack was gifted with a very unique feature that no one in the world has. He was a man who had two a**holes!” The investigating officer was extremely intrigued. “Two a**holes!!! Are you guys serious?”

Both of them nodded.

Investigating officer asked, “How can you guys be so sure of something so personal?”

“It was a very well-known thing in the diving community.” One of the students replied. “Everyone in the diving circles knew that Jack was gifted with two a**holes instead of one.”

“But how did you know?” Investigating officer asked.

The student said, “Wherever he took the two of us to meet other divers, people would always say “Here comes Jack with two a**holes.”

User on Scuba Forum

Microsoft Diving Joke

If Microsoft made dive gear:

• Useless tips would show up on your dive computer every time you turn it on.
• None of your new gear would be compatible with any of your old stuff.
• When you called Microsoft to schedule a dive trip, you would be left on hold for a long time, and when you finally talked to someone you would be given a lot of information on diving that was absolutely correct but completely useless.
• Every dive computer would be from Microsoft and any deaths from them would be explained as a “beta version” problem. Don’t worry, we’ll fix that in the next release.
• Every time you were really close to your destination, your boat would crash.
• Your air supply would stop and have to be restarted every couple of minutes and you would accept this as normal.

You know you’re a diver when you go to get your BBQ propane tank fille and ask the clerk for a good fill and then flash your cert card.

“Weeuh yaw maweuhy meus” -a scuba diver’s marriage proposal.
Jonathan Schwartz

How to spot divers

You can spot divers by:

1. Funny Tan Lines
2. Big Watch
3. Says “Huh” alot
4. Bad shocks and springs in car
5. Scars from trigger fish bites
6. Expertise on anti-histamines

You can spot old-time divers by:

1. Funny Tan Lines
2. Big Expensive Watch
3. Old Jeep with bad shocks
4. Log Book has volume a number on the cover.
5. Deaf in at least one ear.
6. Has multiple scars.
7. Has cylinders older than you are.
8. Talks about making their first wet suit.
9. Dive gear is faded.
10. Limps from Dysbaric Osteonecrosis.

You can spot newbie divers by:

1. Sunburned
2. Timex Watch
3. Nice car
4. Fills in all the blanks in their logbook
5. No diving related scars
6. Says “Wow, did you see that” alot
7. Equipment looks nice
8. Perfect hearing

The best dive instructor jokes

Yes, during a diving course, the instructor usually has the last laugh. Now is the time to have a little laugh about them in return. 😉

There is a problem with scuba jokes: Many of them become instructors!

How do you know if someone’s a scuba instructor? – Don’t worry, they’ll TELL you.

What’s the difference between a dive professional and a pizza? – A pizza can feed a family of four!

What do you call a dive professional without a girlfriend? – Homeless.

What do scuba diving instructors use as birth control? – Their personalities

How many scuba instructors does it take to change a light bulb? – It only takes one, but he has to have the proper certification first.

The best scuba diving puns

Besides scuba diving jokes, here is the list of our favorite scuba diving puns. Careful, these might come in super low.

What did the sea say to the sand? – Nothing, it just waved!

What do you call a scuba diver on a skateboard? – A scuba boarder.

I once went scuba diving, and had to be treated for “the bends” – It made a decompression on me.

I just took my last dive as a scuba diving instructor. Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

I hate scuba diving. It was the lowest moment of my life.

Being a freediving instructor requires you to teach others how to hold their breath underwater while not using scuba gear. It’s a tankless job.

Why did the kid pursue scuba diving? – Because all his grades are below C-level

I recently quit my job as a scuba diving instructor. I couldn’t handle the pressure.

Why do mermaids wear sea shells? – B shells are too small!

I used to have a scuba diving business, but it went under.

How do get an octopus to laugh? – Ten tickles.

What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes??? – A nervous wreck!

How do divers communicate? – They use speech bubbles.

What do you get when you combine a scuba diver with a janitor? – Jaques Coustodian!

Did you hear they crossed a snow man with a shark? – All they got was frost bite!

Which dog knows how to swim underwater? – Scuba-doo.

Was out diving once when I heard this wonderful singing. Turned out it was a choral reef.

NYC is so wet, hookers are wearing fishnets AND SCUBA GEAR!
Greg Myers

What are your thoughts on diving? – Well, I guess it’s descent as a hobby.

Best shark jokes

Every diver loves sharks so here you’ll find a few about one of our favorite sea creatures!

Why don’t sharks eat divorcees? Because they are bitter!
Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy!
Why don’t sharks eat clowns? – Because they taste funny!

Two sharks are dining on leftover clownfish. One shark turns to the other and asks “Does this taste funny to you?”

Two sharks are dining on leftover clownfish. One shark turns to the other and asks “Does this taste funny to you?”

How to avoid shark attacks:

• Never Leave Kansas
• Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
• Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
• Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney and leave you alone out of professional courtesy

„Der Taucher – Blubb Blubb = Weg war er“ — Unbekannter Autor
“Ein Taucher der nicht taucht, taucht nichts” – Brösel aus einem Werner Comic
Fühlst du dich müde, geht es dir schlecht? So hüpf ins Wasser und geh zum Hecht!

Ist dein Leben nicht mehr froh dann stürze dich in H2O

Wrap-Up

Did you like these funny scuba diving jokes and puns? Then you will love our list of the best diving quotes, as well!

Did I miss any super funny diving jokes? If so, share them with us in the comments!

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Always dive with friends and happy bubbles. 😃

Cheers

Julius